H O M E

It's a shame that making these worst lists are so much fun.

Its especially shameful considering that for as memorable as the great films that we see in our lives are, they are often overshadowed by some of the worst films we see.  I have seen a lot of crap-infested orgies of pain and suffering in both those darkened multiplexes and at home on video and DVD.  The criteria is really simple for these films on my list:  They are bad films.  They are moronic films.  They are tasteless films.  They are films lacking in any redeeming qualities.  They stole hundreds of hours away from my life and tons of money that I will not, most assuredly, ever see again.

Its interesting, but out of the twenty films on my list, ten were from the eighties, seven from the nineties, and three from the current decade.  Why?  Well, can you honestly think of any stinkholes from the Golden Age of Hollywood?  

Didn't think so.

Moreover, five are from 1991!  Some sort of eerie cosmic forces must have been working against us that year.

So here they are in random order.  There is no need to specifically itemize these films into meaningful rankings...I hate these films all the same.

Let the mediocrity begin:

LEONARD PART 6 (1987)

How could Bill Cosby, arguably one of the funniest stand-up comedians of all-time, be in such a infuriatingly bad action comedy?  The film, the ridiculously titled LEONARD PART 6, is that film, a would-be spoof of the spy genre.  The film is so bad that Cosby himself , after it's initial round of showings on cable, bought the  distribution rights to it in order to ensure that it never gets shown on television again.  The film is so inarguably bad, who can blame him for making such a gutsy decision?  Why 'Coz?  Why be in this waste?  If there was a comic film ride without wheels, bearings, and a means of self propulsion, then LEONARD PART 6 fits the bill.

JAWS: THE REVENGE (1987)

This just may be one of the most incompetent and terrible screenplays ever written, and its sheer ineptitude is overshadowed by the complete waste of Michael Caine in the film.  This was a completely unnecessary sequel (the series rightfully should have stopped with the first film) and has one of the most laugh-inducing premises ever.  In the first film Roy Scheider killed the man-eating shark, but in this fourth in the series it survived (despite being blow to bits by Scheider) and is now seeking revenge on his wife and family.  Even more amazing is its single-minded ability to swim across the world to attack the family while they are on vacation.  Hilariously dumb, and a startling waste of the Oscar-winning Caine.  It also features Mario Van Peeples in a offensive supporting role as a Jamaican who was annoying twelve years before Jar Jar Binks graced the silver screen.

PROBLEM CHILD 2 (1991)

Yet another mindless and needless sequel, this time we have a wreck that was a second film in a series that was not altogether good to begin with.  The woefully underused John Ritter plays a father trying to raise his little hellion of a son - the "problem child" - when he meets his match in a young hellion of a little girl.  The consequences are astronomical!  The film is crude, vulgar, mean spirited, and vile at its core, and Ritter's comic talents were all but forgotten here.  Shameful.

EXIT TO EDEN (1994)

Yup, this is the same EXIT TO EDEN that was momentarily banned in Saskatchewan for its "controversial content".  Why the film was not banned the world over for being terrible is beyond me.  This would be erotic/comedy takes place on a Club Med-like resort of the kinky and sexual, and is headed by a woman played by Dana Delany, who is one of the least convincing dominatrixes of recent memory.  The film is not sensual, nor funny, and is plague with the witless antics of Dan Aykroyd and the annoying Rosie O'Donnel, who make one of the worst comic teams of the 90's.   Dreadful eye-candy of a film.

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES 2: THE SECRET OF THE OOZE (1991)

This film makes you want to get own on your hands and knees in the darkened theatre and pray to the movie gods to return you to the glory-filled and earnest days where superheroes wore spandex, were named Superman and Spiderman,  and whose existence was not the result of a toxic spill.  A mindless exercise that only an eight year old would like, which also features one of the worst cameos of all time - Vanilla Ice - singing one of the worst songs of all-time.  This perfectly allows me to segue into my next entry...

COOL AS ICE (1991)

This other stinker from 1991 tried to capitulate on the short-lived success of the most annoying music star ever to grace our landscape - Vanilla Ice.  This trainwreck is sort of a white hip-hop REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE, which is cannibalized by three predicating factors: (a) Vanilla Ice sure as hell ain't no James Dean and (b) Vanilla Ice is not a good actor and (c) Vanilla Ice's nerve wracking power rivals fingernails on a chalkboard.  This is a classic example of making a film character as unlikable as possible.  How could one look up to a man that has a checkerboard on the back of his head, wears horrific dayglo clothing, desperately attempts  at being a thug, and is forced to utter the most inane dialogue ever like, "Whackhead was playin' baseball on my homeboy's bike!","I'm gonna go across the street and, uh, schling a schlong" or the equally painful "drop that zero and get with the hero!"  Sorry Ice, but this movie is whack, boooooooyyyyeeee!

SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT 3 (1983)

Question: why make a sequel to two films without its main star, in this case, Burt Reynolds?  I don't have the foggiest  idea, but they did with this horrendous excuse for a comedy, made even more maddening by the presence of the great Jackie Gleeson, who looks desperate for laughs when none are apparent.  This film has something to offend everyone, with tasteless jokes about gays and a truly disgusting scene involving the KKK (which never prove themselves to be funny).  An ugly and despicable waste of time, and Burt was right for skipping town on this turd.

CANNONBALL RUN 2 (1984)

This film (yet another sequel on my list) is probably the worst film filled with great talent (Bert Reynolds, Shirley MacLaine, Jackie Chan, Sid Caesar, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr, and Frank Sinatra).  Its one of the all-time great paycheck films, where its respective stars phone in their performances and collect their money.  Its really a film for suckers who like the first.  It boasts much of the same, but whole-heartily achieves nothing in its 80 minutes.  Unfunny and dry at its core.

SPEED ZONE (1989)

Hmmmm...why this film  was not called CANNONBALL RUN III is beyond me, considering the fact that it has a relative who's who of famous celebrities engaging in a cross country race that is bloody referred to in the film as the Cannonball Run!!??  No need for further elaboration, see my last write-up.

CAPTAIN AMERICA (1991)

This is the worst comic book adaptation of all time (even worse then the cinematic abortion that was BATMAN AND ROBIN).  The film was relentlessly under budgeted and the final result so incompetent that it never even saw a theatrical release stateside.  This is for good reason, because its a good example of badly presenting a cultural icon to its legions of fans while seriously alienating them at the same time by making the lead an uncharismatic bore and by changing the villain from a German Nazi into an Italian (?).  No amount of super soldier formula could make this comic book disaster any less terrible.

NO HOLDS BARRED (1989)

Hulk Hogan, in his first lead staring role, plays a professional wrestler.  Wow, now that's an unpredictable and unseen stretch!  This is one of the most unintentionally funny films ever, and its utterly amusing that the makers  take the world of professional wrestling seriously as a sport.  Ever more mundane and tired is its plot, where Hogan is forced by his girlfriend's kidnappers to wrestler the seemingly unstoppable, yet aptly named Zeus.  Sorry but I am tapping out already on this one.

EXIT IN RED (1996)

This may be one of the worst least seen films of all timeMickey Rourke is really a question mark as he stars in as many duds as he does hits.  He's capable of being a charismatic leading man and has turned in good work, but in this he plays one of the most hopelessly incompetent psychiatrist in movie history in a plot that's incomprehensible and absurd.  The film tries to cash in on the reputation of WILD ORCHID (which also starred Rourke and his then wife Carrie Ottis), but EXIT IN RED is neither erotic or steamy, but just a meandering mess of a film.  And Anthony Michael Hall plays one of the most ridiculous and unintelligible supporting characters in recent memory (I am still trying to figure out what he was doing).  EXIT IN RED is a like a porn film without the sex.

WILD ORCHID (1990)

A pathetic attempt at making at art house film with troubled characters, lurid locations, and lots of sex to boot.  Mickey Rourke (again!) stars in this stinker and monosyllabically spouts out the ambiguous dialogue by the mouth full while occupying a plot that is only masking the fact that people usually only want to watch films like this for the sex.  Rourke is on silly autopilot with this one, and not even the emotionless love scenes can save this film.

HIGHLANDER 2: THE QUICKENING (1991)

This is a film stupendous in its ability to grossly do away with the mythos, characters, and story that the first film, no doubt, worked very hard to establish.  This cannibalization of the first HIGHLANDER just may be the worst follow-up film ever, made even more comma inducing by the fact that it makes no sense and is so lethargically plotted and directed without any notions that there may be Highlander fans in attendance.  Absolutely hideous and awful, a marathon of stupidity and meaninglessness, filled with redundant and terrible dialogue, like when Sean Connery says, "Most people have a full measure of life... and most people just watch it slowly drip away. But if you can summon it all up... at one time... in one place... you can accomplish something... glorious."  Man, there should have been 'only one' of these!

STREETFIGHTER (1994)

Could not have a list with Van Damme vacant on it!  Geez, when is Hollywood gonna realize and put it though they money-grubbing and thick heads that films based on video games never work (ie - SUPER MARIO BROTHERS, TOMB RAIDER, DOUBLE DRAGON, etc,).  This film is based on the enormously popular videogame of the same title and represents probably the worst adaptation of an outside medium to film ever.  And poor Raul Julia (in his last film) is forced to slum through his part of a world dictator.  Colorless, dull, and dumb, but it did have one great line where Julia's dictator looks over the model of his new lair, "I like it, but I think the food court needs to be bigger."

BAD BOYS 2 (2003)

This film is the newest film on my list because it represents everything I loathe about modern Hollywood pictures:  They are bloated, over-stuffed, and ego-fueled rides without a care in the world as to the finished product.  Sure, BAD BOYS 2 was one slickly merchandised and advertised film, but what they did not tell you is what a vile, disgusting, gratuitously violent, offensive, loud, and crude piece of filth it is.  I have never seen a film so desperate for a laugh (like SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT 3, it too thinks that the KKK are funny, which in itself is offensive seeing as the main characters are black).  Equally painful is a scene in a morgue with tons of dead bodies, all which are fat and ugly (hoo-hoo).  These bodies later get used in a disgusting scene of violence.  Also, Will Smith has never come across as more unlikable, as he and Martin Lawrence seemingly yell, scream, and shout all though their performances.  And at an unheard of running time of 2 and a half hours, director Michael Bay proves why he is the egotistical and self-important antichrist of modern directors. 

ROLLERBALL (2002)

Maybe the most insidiously terrible of the recent Hollywood sci-fi action pictures, made even more astonishing considering that it was directed by the great John McTiernan,  who dazzled us with DIE HARD and PREDATOR.    It may just be the worst remake ever, and the editing is a hatchet job of misused takes and under whelming action.  More importantly, it lacked the satiric edge of the original film.  Without a doubt, it featured the worst realized scene in film history, one where you are left wondering if the director completely lost his mind.  Its an action scene that takes place at night as is filmed, without validation or reason, in  green, fuzzy night vision, making the scene as difficult to watch as any I have seen.  If there was ever a  moment that comes close to visual poison, it would be that one.  I mean, just what the hell was McTiernan doing??!!

CHARLIE'S ANGELS (2000)

If this film thinks its about women's lib, then I want to put myself into a self-enforced comma for the next hundred years.    One of the prime examples of wicked excess, epilepsy-inducing editing, and mind-numbing characters, CHARLIE'S ANGELS is kind of a NEW AGE bad film.  The action scenes are messy and incoherent, the comedy falls flat,  and the three main leads here just aren't willing to send themselves up our amusement.  Cameron Diaz has never been more annoying, and is forced to do things and spit out dialogue that is enough to make one vomit.  If women's lib involves being a mindless tart and dancing around in your underwear, then I really am worried for womankind.  Bill Murray has never been so consistently underused.

NATIONAL LAMPOON'S LAST RESORT (1994)

Just may be the worst comedy I have ever seen, made even worse by that duo of 1980's self-indulgence and excess - the Corey's (Haim and Feldman).  As limp of a script as I have ever witnessed, there are no laughs in this film, just embarrassing scenes where the Corey's try desperately for laughs.  Their is no plot, no jokes, just a lot of T & A in a film that must have been drug inspired to be so humiliatingly bad.  Seeing this film is a last resort.

STOP, OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT! (1992)

I really like Sylvester Stallone, I really do!  I pride myself on being one of his strongest supporters, but nothing could stop me from putting the garbage that this film was on my list.  A comic disaster for all concerned, based on a one-joke premise that never is funny for more than a minute.  Stallone has been funny in other films, but here's he's so so nauseatingly bad that you find it hard to willfully forgive him.  What a waste.